I"m not a practicing Catholic--probably closer to a "lapsed California Buddhist" (I try to practice daily meditation on my own but don't really go in for the pricey workshops LOL)
BUT this is a great link for sobering reflection on the universality of death and dying...also beautiful art!
There is something about summer in the city that haunts me. Especially we who are chronically low-income and unable (or unwilling) to take vacations like most normal people do. When the noise and tension really gets to me I seek out the sanctuary of quiet places (parks, the rooftop) to revisit the peace that my Soul hungers for and that so easily disappears on the city streets. In these peaceful places I an put down the armor that city living demands that one wear for the sake of sheer survival...
I am so grateful to be able to continue my music production journey (bought a new Mac Mini M2 with the oh-so-challenging and quirky Sonoma software) and finally succeeded in upgrading both my go-to production program Cubase 13 followed by a rather testy re-installation of Native Instruments Komplete Kontrol (with it's THOUSANDS of sounds & instruments). Yes there gets to be a point where in my addiction to electronic sounds and having fun (am I professional songwriter or a hobbyist?--I can forget what making music truly is! But I'm grateful to break through my own comfort zone and make this terrific upgrade to my Project studio (now if I could just really get my production motivation going!). It seems like I'm on a long stay cation here with my part-time job and watching movies and enjoying IPA (what the heck happened to my harm reduction program?) and having a flirtation with AA (am I really a lush or just a super lonely guy who longs for connection from other humans who also feel alienated?). Again I seem to be the king of half-measures. Not good or bad--it just is; or rather I just am.
There is the occasional hot (and not so hot) bi client (and non-bi client) which keeps me on my toes and I'm so grateful to be a witness to other men's stories and to provide comfort, healing and at times to overtly reject clients who aren't really clients but simply demons passing through my spiritual space.
On Pride day I was called told to "Hurry up Grampa" by a young black girl waiting to cross the bike path with her family near Chelsea piers. "I am not your Grampa, bitch and with that overbite you look like a cartoon from the Simpsons!" OK I didn't really quote the Simpsons comment but I felt it. It's interesting that the same young folk who slam elders don't realize they too will be elders one day. Ignorance passing.
Biking through the crowds on Pride Sunday I had to pass through Washington Square Park (where many micro-violent interactions were taking place). That isn't the Pride I remember nor is it the Pride I choose to have in my heart. Gratitude for being bi (and being an outcast through the eyes of most of my fellow queer folk) a sadness at recalling the trauma and the rape of what AIDS has done to queer culture and now the "New Trans Rules" ethic (Trans-women throwing shade (on TV) on men for being Gay--who would thought????); here now the new entirely clueless Supreme Court granting Trump immunity (that beast ABOVE THE LAW) this isn't the America I thought I knew. Radical Acceptance; Challenging times. Change is all we have...
Two days ago I received an email from my main music "supplier" (Sweetwater Sound) Sales engineer accusing me of past "volatile and disrespectful behavior" when dealing with one of their fellow Salesman in particular who refused to offer technical support for software issue I was having). Never mind that I've spent thousands of dollars through the years on music instruments, apps and production tools). Wow I was reminded at how hard I can come off to some people. I accepted the feedback and expressed gratitude for being called on on this particular character defect. I'm not perfect and living this long my skin, I surmise has at times become so thick with all I've been through that I have to double down and make deeper heart felt efforts to be mindful that we are here a short-time and there are hardly any battles worth fighting for except the supreme effort to climb the stairs to the roof, enjoy the sun, or stars maybe a joint and write some poetry...the heart Soul's song can clarify when one listens to the song of birds and the shape of clouds creating and passing. "I think, therefore I am single."
Amen.
7-1-24 (turning 70 July 13--WOW what a ride it's been!).
My all time favorite quote
"Sometimes a crumb falls. From the tables of joy, Sometimes a bone is flung. To some people. Love is given, To others. Only heaven."
Langston Hughes
Well. that about sums it all up: ).
Thank you for stopping by! I hope to be massaging you soon.
Saintorr
Steve
nycmasseur
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